I sat in my friend’s car sobbing uncontrollably.

No matter how hard I tried or pushed or prayed, nothing calmed the wrenching guilt, shame & deep insecurity that haunted me.

I worked 2 jobs as early at 5am & as late at 3am, a consistent 7 days a week. The rest of my Senior year of college was withered away with a full time course load, excessive studying & a highly medicated perspective of the world.

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱, 𝘁𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼𝗴𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘀𝗺𝗶𝗹𝗲, hoping no one would see the truth. I prayed they would only notice my bright smile, unwavering work ethic & my commitment to being the best friend, employee & student I could be!

I’ve always put in the extra effort, but it wasn’t enough. 𝗜𝘁 .𝗡 𝗘 𝗩 𝗘 𝗥. 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵. I lived in a constant state of stress & there was never a time for rest or recovery. I lived my daily life on the verge of a breakdown. Go go go! Just figure it out!

🚨• 3hrs of sleep is enough for today!

🚨• This Anxiety is too much, pop another pill!

🚨• No time to do laundry, just use Febreze!

🚨• If I cant afford food this week it means I lose weight. At least I can see the bright side.

🚨• I really want to go to this birthday party, but I can’t afford a gift. I’ll stay home & tell her I have to study.

𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲. They also all contributed to isolation, depression, numbing & the stuffing of a deep shame.

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀, of these, I was ashamed that there was always more month than money. No matter how hard I worked, it was barely enough to cover my bills. Food was a luxury & I just got used to that being my normal. I was ashamed that I was too prideful to ask for help. I didn’t know who to ask. I didn’t know how. And honestly I’d rather starve than tell anyone the truth.

💕 An 𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗹𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮 𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 when an angel of a person taught me the value of giving, receiving & paying it forward to the world.

My friend picked me up & we drove around town. 𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘂𝘁, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝘀𝗼, 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗹𝘆. The tears I had been suppressing overflowed into my sleeves & scarf & the napkins from her glovebox. I don’t remember what I said, I just remember the humility being too much to bear.

My friend listened quietly.

The car stopped & I looked up & apologized profusely. “𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙢, 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨. 𝙄 𝙖𝙢 𝙨𝙤 𝙨𝙤 𝙨𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙪𝙣𝙡𝙤𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪”!

Without judgement, she continued to listen. Once I caught my breath, I realized we were outside of a Raley’s. She encouraged me to calm down in the car while she ran inside.

Shortly after, she came back with the groceries. 𝗢𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗺, 𝘀𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗲. She even got me the expensive granola (that is still my fav to this day!)

You can imagine I completely came undone AGAIN! This time the tears were of complete surprise & gratitude. 𝗡𝗼𝘁 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗜 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗲𝗮𝘁, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗯𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀!

This moment taught me so much about being a good human. From that experience, I committed to be the woman I needed in that time of crisis. 𝗜 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼:

✨ Never underestimate the power of compassion.

✨ Be a listener, you never know who needs you to hold that space.

✨Be the first responder, especially if you know they are truly doing their best to find solutions.

✨ Give. It let’s them know they are worthy & that they are not alone.

✨ It’s okay to ask for help.

I am forever grateful for my friend & this experience. I am even more grateful that I have been blessed with a business, opportunities & the awareness to pay it forward to others 🙏🏼💕

Have you had a defining experience like this?
How can you be that type of friend today?